Though the GMMK doesn’t tick all your boxes, it’s ease of maintenance (modular/hotswap, but no soldering), minimal software, and overall quality may make it something to look at. Only problem I have with it is that my scroll lock LED was DOA. But I never use scroll lock, so eh. Not terribly expensive either, and you get to choose your switches and keycaps. I went box jades and navies.
They know what you did.